The camera pans across a landscape,
Voices singing are overlaid
♪ Way down south in the land of cotton Old times there are not forgotten. ♪
The camera pans from a paddle steamer on a river, across a big plantation house, to a cotton field, where field hands are picking cotton.
♪ Look away, look away, look away Dixie Land! ♪
A fieldhand stands in the field, picking cotton and putting it in a bag under his arm
♪ I wish I was in Dixie, Hooray! Hooray! ♪
One hand reaches down and pulls a boll from the bush – but instead has the fluffy bunny tail of a rabbit, which he pulls from the bush. Its Bugs! The picker doesnt notice and puts the bunny in the bag with the rest of the cotton
♪ In Dixie’s Land I’ll take my stand, to live and die in Dixie. ♪
The bag is emptied into a sorting box – along with Bugs and he is sucked up by a vacuum that puts him him onto a conveyer belt.
♪ Away, away, away down south in Dixie! ♪
Bugs looks over the end of the conveeyer belt and tries to stop himself rolling off the end of it – becoming covered in a big wad of cotton in the putpose, and going over the edge anyway.
♪ Away, away, away down south in Dixie! ♪
Next we seen Bugs bound, crucifix style, to a bale of cotton and pushed up the gang plank of a ship. Several bales are pushed into the cargo hold of a ship.
The gang plank is raised and a voice calls out, with a distinct Southern accent.
Ship’s Officer: Alll aboard! The steamer Southern Star now sailing for Memphis, Pittsburgh, Baton Rouge, New Orleans and Cucamonga’
Bugs pops his head up from the cargo hold – covered in cotton (he has evidently fought his way free of the cotton bale) – the cotton is stuck to him resembling a beard, tall hat and moustache, but he shakes that off. He also pulls a big wad out of his mouth.
Ship’s Officer: Get your tickets ready!
The camera pans to a view of feet – an ship’s officer and a man fallen on hard times, ragged clothes
Ship’s Officer: Your ticket, sir. … What?!? No ticket? We’ll have no stowaways on this boat, sah!
The camera pans back to Bugs to catch his reaction
Off scene, the stowaway is thrown overboard. Bugs visibly watches him go over and flinches at the splash
Ship’s Officer: have your tickets ready gentleman’
Bugs runs away, down the deck.
He comes to a rope barrier, and takes a hard turn right through a doorway
The Ship’s Officer knocks on a door
Bugs answers, dressed in a coat, cravat, stiff collar and top hat, with a stick pretending to be a cigarillo. There appears to be a diamond glinting on his cravat.
Bugs lovingly caresses his cigarillo
Bugs: Eeeeer, whats up, Doc?
Bug’s expensive appearance leads the Ship’s Officer to be very obsequious
Ship’s Officer: Eh, your ticket if you please, sir.
Bugs waves the Ship’s Officer away then gives him a orange card. This must satisfy the Officer as Bugs is able to walk away.
Bugs walks past some bar doors.
A loud voice is heard from inside
Colonel Shuffle: Bwahaha! I’ve got 3 queens. What’ve y’all got, sah?
Different voice: 4 kings
Colonel Shuffle: What?
Gunfire is heard and lots of men run out of the room. Bugs looks on, calmly smoking his cigarillo
The camera zooms into the room. We see a short white haired, moustached man standing on a table and shooting into the roof with two pistols.
Colonel Shuffle: I’m Colonel Shuffle, the rip roaringest gold diggingest sharp shootingest poker playingest riverboat gambler on the Mississippi, Yahoo! Be thair anyone man enough to sit in a poker game with Colonel Shuffle? Well? Be thair?
The camera pans across the now empty casino to where Bugs is leaning beside the door, rolling a gold coin between his knuckles
Bugs is sitting at the table across from Colonel Shuffle. The Colonel is surrounded by many, tall piles of poker chips
Colonel Shuffle: How many chips, sir?
Bugs holds up a note marked with $100.00 and casually lets it float across the table
Colonel Shuffle: $100, eh?
Colonel Shuffle issues one chip, breaks it in half and passes it to Bugs. This indicates that the 1949-huge amount of $100 is a very very small amount to the Colonel.
Colonel Shuffle deals, using 1 thumb to flick the cards either way – to do this he must be a very skilled card player.
Colonel Shuffle: Stranger, you don’t know what you’re in for :laughs:
Bugs looks very bored with the play
Bugs still looks bored, but is now surrounded by large piles of poker chips
The colonel is down to a single half chip, and looks intently at his cards
He laughs and throws his cards on the table.
Colonel Shuffle: I’ve got 5 aces!
Bugs still looks bored
Colonel Shuffle: What have you got, Sah?
BugsI have got 6 aces
(Note: poker is played with a standard card set -its impossible to get more than 4 aces without cheating, and there are only 4 aces in the entire game)
Bugs takes the Colonel’s last half chip
The Colonel looks shocked, then turns red with fury, and steam blows his hat off.
Bugs is loading his chips into his hat
The Colonel comes around to his side of the table
Colonel Shuffle: Ifn I had 4 feet and went heehaw, what would I be?
BugsWhya, you’d be a jackass
The Colonel was looking for an excuse to challenge Bugs to a duel. He darts away and comes back instantly with a box holding 2 pistols.
Colonel Shuffle: Choose your weapon!
Bugs puts the hat full of chips on his head and some chips rain out.
Bugs (delighted): Oooh, for me?!?
Bugs grabs the entire box,
Bugs (happily): You shouldn’t have, sir.
The Colonel looks flummoxed, then he grabs the box back.
Colonel Shuffle: No! This is a duel, sir
The Colonel and Bugs are standing back to back, each holding a pistol which points at the sky. An adjudicator stands beyond them.
Adjudicator: Remember, take 5 paces, turn and fire.
The both start walking, but bugs walks backwards, so he stays with the Colonel. They both turn around, and are nose to nose. The Colonel, not knowing Bugs is there, fires past him. Bugs gives the Colonel a big kiss
Bugsand the gentleman wins a cigar.
He sticks a big cigar in the Colonels mouth, lights it and runs away.
The cigar explodes. Of course.
As the explosion ends, the smokes clears and the fires go out, the Colonel looks .. not himself…
Bugs rushes back into the scene, shoves a banjo into the Colonel’s arms and start singing and tap-dancing
Bugs♪ Camptown ladies sing this song, dooda, dooda. The Camptown racetrack 5 mile long, oh the dooda day ♪
The colonel plays the banjo on reflex
Bugs♪ I come down with my hat caved in dooda, dooda I go back home with a pocket full of tin Oh, de dooda day ♪
Bugs starts dancing off scene, exeunt left, and the Colonel dances along with him
Bugs♪ Goin’ to run all night Goin’ to run all day I bet my money on the bob-tailed nag ♪
Bugs gets ahead of the colonel and opens the sidebar of the boat …
Bugs ♪ somebody bet on the bay ♪
The Colonel dances right off the boat into the river
Bugs lets the gate swing shut and looks down into the river,. We hear the Colonel splash
The paddles turn through the water, and the Colonel rides up on a paddle blade to the boat, looking spotless.
Bugs (still looking down into the river): Heeheehee, what a goom!
The Colonel walks up behind Bugs
Colonel Shuffle: Why fore did you splash me in the Mississippi mud?
The Colonel pulls a pistol on Bugs and pulls the trigger, but only water comes out. There is so much water that a little sailboat also comes out of the pistol and floats off down the stream of water from the gun…
The Colonel’s anger threatens to make him explode again.
The camera cuts to a box with a glass front and a pistol inside and the words ‘For Dry Pistol Break glass’ sign on the glass
The Colonel breaks the glass and takes the pistol
Bugs is now wearing a straw hat, holding a cane and standing behind a box with the words ‘Prices, General Admission 50c’. Behind him is a poster with the words ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’ on it.
BugsHurry, hurry, hurry! You’re just in time for the big show!
We can see Colonel Shuffle running towards Bugs
Bugs, points: Uncle Tom’s Cabin
The Colonel arrives
BugsAh … sir. One ticket left
The colonel hands Bugs some coins and receives a ticket back
BugsRight this way sir.
Bugs whips to the next post and changes costume to that of a ticket collector
Bugs opens the curtain for the Colonel, who walks through the doorway into what proves to be empty air over the river Mississippi. Of course…
The Colonel falls into the river with a splash
Again, the Colonel rides the blades of the paddle steamer up, back to the boat
Bugs is walking along, laughing and holding his stomach he has been laughing so much
The colonel, still dripping, walks up to him
Colonel Shuffle: Why did you dunk my poor old hide in old man river, when I bought a low seat?
The Colonel points a pistol at Bug’s temple
Bugs: Nuh-uh-uh! Its full of water!
The colonel turns the gun to point at himself and pulls the trigger to test it.
The Colonel blows his own head off. Of course.
The pistol falls to the ground, the colonel comes out of his hat, which was floating above his body, where he had been blown, grabs his gun and takes off after Bugs.
They run down the corridor, Bugs stops to open the door, the Colonel runs through and then Bugs follows and runs along behind the Colonel.
They reach a door marked ‘Boiler Room’. The Colonel stops and opens the door, letting Bugs go through and then goes in after him.
They run on, and Bugs comes to the Boiler itself (it being a ‘Steam’ Paddle, after all), opens the door for the Colonel who dives in. and Bugs shuts the door with the Colonel inside. Of course.
The camera cuts to outside the Steam paddle – the word YIPES appears in smoke, from the smoke stacks, above the boat.
Back in the boiler room, the Colonel opens the boiler door from inside, tears through the boiler room and back along the route they came and runs to a water cooler. There is a sign saying ‘cups 1c’. The Colonel’s pants are on fire. He looks at the sign, worried, and tries to find change in his pocket. He only has notes. The Colonel is dancing with the pain of the burning and the difficulty of finding coins in his pocket
The camera pans to where Bugs is leaning on the wall, eating a carrot.
Bugs, throwing away his carrot stub: Eeeer, whats cooking, Doc?
Colonel Shuffle, still dancing in pain: I seem to be in a terrible quandary, sir! Could you change a ten spot, sir? I’d prefer a profusion of pennies
Bugs, snapping the note and looking through it to the light: Are you sure its a good one? Lots of counterfeits around, you know.
The Colonel continues dancing
BugsNah, well, you gotta trust somebody
Bugs slowly counts coins out of his pocket
Bugs: Lets see now, a dollar ten, a dollar twenty, a dollar twenty one
Colonel Shuffle: Thank you sir, you keep the change
The Colonel goes over to the cup dispenser, puts in the coin for the cup, put water in the cup and then puts the ordinary sized cup on the ground and sits in to put his backside out
Steam hisses from his backside and the relief on his face is evident.
He immediately turns and fires 2 pistols at Bugs, who runs away
There is a bugs bunny shaped bullet hole pattern on the wall
Bugs rushes through a door and slams it behind him.
The Colonel rushes through the same door and also slams it behind him
A woman screams in the room
The Colonel backs out of the room, defending his head.
Bugs comes out of the room, dressed as a southern belle with long dress, blond wig and large hat – and carrying an umbrella with which she is beating the Colonel.
Bugs (girls voice): You thief! You cad! Its getting so a girl can’t travel alone with you riverboat ravishers
Colonel Shuffle: Ow, ow, ow, I’m sorry!!!!
Bugs is not understandable as the colonel yells I’m sorry over her and Bugs continues to beat him with the umbrella
Colonel Shuffle: I’m mighty sorry!
While hitting him, Bugs’ wig and hat fall off onto the Colonel’s head. Bugs is revealed.
Bugs realises that the colonel is now wearing the wig and hat and stops hitting and yelling
The Colonel looks up and angrily realises its been Bugs all along
Bugs grabs the hat and wig and runs away
The Colonel stands up, angry and walks after him.
Bugs, having put the wig and hat back on, runs up to another gentleman
Bugs, in a girl’s voice: Oh kind sir! Save me, save me, from that horrible thief
Bugs points at the colonel
Other Gentleman: Whats this, whats this? ehhh, now missie, I’ll save you!
He storms off towards the Colonel
Bugs does an ingenue body posture
Bugs, to the camera: Chivalry ain’t dead!
Bugs is leaning on the bannister – we hear the gentleman talking off scene while Bugs attempts to blow an errant curl back into position
Other Gentleman: I cant allow you to molest that little flower of the south.
He kicks the colonel towards the edge of the boat and Bugs moves the siding of the boat aside so the colonel sails right out into the water
Bugs closes the gate, but as he turns away, the back of his dress catches in the gate and tears. Bugs doesnt notice as he walks over to the Other Gentleman
Other Gentleman: Did he hurt you honey chile?
Bugs, in a girls voice: No, I was just just terribly, terribly frightened. and you’re so big and so strong.
As Bugs turns we can see that the back of his dress has torn out and we can see his little white cottontail
Bugs: Why, poor helpless little me was just lost until you
Other Gentleman, bows: think nothing of it missie. It was a pleasure I assure you
Bugs, modest giggling: heeheehee
Bugs modestly turns away as he bows, which puts the gentleman’s eye level exactly where Bugs’ cottontail is sticking out of the dress.
The Gentleman has confused eyes at seeing the young lady is.. a rabbit…
Making incoherent noises the gentleman opens the siding for himself and walks off the boat
The splash of him hitting the water is heard
Bugs, to the camera: Ah well, we almost had a romantic ending
Charles M Jones
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